


memories so real they hurt

by lorspolairepeluche



Series: all these earthly acts and more [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Canon Event, F/M, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 04:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8651611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorspolairepeluche/pseuds/lorspolairepeluche
Summary: It takes a strong person to push past an addiction, and it takes someone just as strong to pull them through it.





	

Halla was humming as she pushed open the door to Cullen’s office, the small posy of mountain blossoms hidden behind her back with one hand. “Cullen?”

“Inquisitor!” The soldier in the room stood at attention.

“Where’s Commander Cullen?” Halla asked, stopping in the doorway with her hand still on the door.

“If you’re looking for the Commander, he’s gone to speak with Seeker Pentaghast.”

For a moment, Halla just stood there, confused, until memories slammed back into her. Cullen hadn’t been able to meet her eyes when he said it. _I’ve asked Cassandra to…watch me._

She was turning and running in a second, the flowers forgotten on the ground.

—

“You asked for our opinions, and we’ve given them,” Cassandra said solidly. “Why would you expect them to change?”

“I expect you to keep your word!” Cullen snapped back. “It’s relentless; I can’t—“

“You give yourself too little credit,” Saraan told him firmly. “You can fight this, and you can win.”

“If I am unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this!” Cullen insisted. “Would you rather save face than admit—“

He was cut off by the door opening and Halla bursting in. For a second, she saw his face transform. For a second, he was as vulnerable as she was. Then it faded into exhaustion, and he passed her on his way out with a slow tread and a whispered, “Forgive me.”

“And people say _I’m_ stubborn,” Cassandra called pointedly after him. “This is ridiculous.”

The only reply was the door slamming.

“Cullen told you that he’s no longer taking lyrium?” Cassandra asked, her voice heavy with disapproval.

“Yes, and I respect his decision,” Halla answered stiffly.

“As do I,” Saraan agreed.

“Not that he’s willing to listen,” Cassandra muttered. “Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him. I refused. It’s not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He’s come so far…”

“Why didn’t he come to me?” Halla wondered aloud. “Doesn’t he trust me?”

“We had an agreement long before you joined us,” Cassandra explained. “As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. When I refused him a replacement, he asked for an arbitrator, and we agreed on Inquisitor Adaar. We both respect her judgment. And…he wouldn’t want to risk your disappointment.”

“What I’m not sure about is if we refused Cullen because he’s wrong or because we want him to be wrong,” Saraan murmured.

“Mages have made their suffering known,” Cassandra replied. “But templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash.”

Halla shivered. “You don’t have to remind me. I know that from having templars for siblings.”

“Cullen has a chance to break that leash,” Cassandra continued. “To prove to himself and anyone who would follow suit that it’s possible. He _can_ do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall. Talk to him. Decide if now is the time.” Without any further words, she turned and left the room.

Halla turned to Saraan. “Do you think…”

“I think Cullen’s a capable commander,” Saraan answered. “And I think the Inquisition trusts him. I trust him, I know, and Panna and Aiyan do too, and so do you. And…and I think you’re in love with him.”

Halla bit the inside of her lip. “Am I?”

“Well, he’s certainly in love with you,” Saraan said gently. “He’ll listen to you if he doesn’t listen to Cassandra or me.”

“Then I’ll go,” Halla decided. “I’ll talk to him.”

The corner of Saraan’s mouth turned up. “Then panahedan, Halla. And good luck.”

—

Cullen stared at the phial of glowing blue liquid in his hand, fighting with himself. _If I take it, I’ll steady. I’ll be the leader the Inquisition needs, not troubled by memories. But if I take it…I’ll have given in!_ With a shout, he turned and threw the vial.

Halla flinched out of the way of the flying glass, yelping in surprise. It smashed on the wall, inches from her head.

“Maker’s breath!” Cullen blurted. “I didn’t hear you enter! I…”

Halla turned from the smashed glass to him. For a moment, there was apprehension, even fear, in her eyes, and once again, all he could bring himself to say was, “Forgive me.”

“Cullen, if you need to talk…” she began in a rush.

“You don’t have t—“ Cullen grunted in pain, grabbing his desk for support, and Halla took two worried steps toward him before he held out a staying hand. “I never meant for this to interfere.”

“I believe you,” Halla assured him.

“For whatever good it does. Promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them.” Cullen forced himself to stand up straight for a second before having to brace a hand on his desk again. “You asked what happened to Ferelden’s Circle.” His words were coming in an almost breathless rush now. “It was taken over by abominations. The templars—my _friends_ —were slaughtered. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I—“ He laughed derisively. “How can you be the same person after that?” He walked to the window, his back to Halla as the anger in his voice continued to rise. “Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Hm? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets.” He turned back to her, his face anguished. “Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

“Of course I can,” Halla said quietly. “I wanted nothing to do with it, either. I ran away from home to avoid it, Cullen. I—“

“Don’t,” he interrupted, starting to pace. “You should be questioning what I’ve done! I thought this would be better, that I could regain some control over my life! But these thoughts won’t leave me!” He put his face in his hands, his fingers tightening on his head as his voice rose to a near-shout. “How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause! I will not give less of myself to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry! I should be taking it!” He punched at the shelf next to him, and books fell to the ground with a clatter. “I should be taking it,” he repeated in a whisper.

“This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition,” Halla told him, taking another step toward him. “Is this what _you_ want?”

His head turned, his expression angry, but he relaxed when he saw the concern in hers. “No,” he admitted, his fist unclenching as she approached. “But…these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I—if I cannot endure this…”

Halla put her hand on his shoulder. “You can,” she said firmly.

Cullen let out a long breath as they looked directly at each other. “All right,” he said finally.

Halla stepped back. “Do you need a break? I’d…like to talk.”

Cullen nearly smiled at that. “I can slip away for a bit. Wait for me, will you?”

—

His lips were as warm and gentle as ever, his hands hesitant until she leaned into the kiss. After a moment, he pulled back and whispered, “Thank you.”

Halla smiled. “For you, anything.” Taking his hand, she turned and said, “Walk with me for a bit. I’ll tell you about some people I once knew.”

Cullen followed, still hesitating a little, but she tugged his hand, making him walk beside her. “What is it?” he asked.

“Well, first, I’ll tell you about Sanea.” Halla paused for a moment. “Sanea was…always gentle. When she found out she had magic, she was terrified. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, she told me. She only wanted to help. As she grew up in the Circle, she worked so hard to control her magic. She devoted herself to learning to heal. She wanted so badly to be able to save people…but no one could save her.”

“What happened?” Cullen asked quietly.

“Ostwick’s Circle fell,” Halla said simply. “The templars took it over. Some of the mages fled. The First Enchanter even got away. But…not Sanea.” Halla paused. “She was seventeen, and…she was my baby sister. I would visit her in the Circle, listen to her as she told me what she’d learned. She was so excited about magic. She told me the ways it could help people. ‘Magic is meant to serve man,’ she would say. She wouldn’t even say the last half of the quote, because she believed the first part so wholeheartedly. She loved people, wanted to help them…and then those people cut her down.” Halla looked away from Cullen. “She was only a girl.”

“I’m sorry,” Cullen said, silently cursing himself.

“It’s no matter,” Halla said, mock-briskly. “She knew what was at stake. She had a templar for an older sister and two for older brothers.” Her voice quieted again. “Gideon and Felicity, my brother and sister—they were killed trying to protect her from other templars. Others heard them screaming, heard them begging for Sanea’s life, saying that she’d never hurt anyone. But the templars were drunk on lyrium and power. They killed Gid and Lissy in front of Sanea, and then they killed her too.” Halla fell silent, and Cullen didn’t know what to say before she said, “In one day, I went from six siblings to three, and people kept telling me I had to stay loyal to the Chantry? To the templars? The same ones who killed my baby sister? The ones who killed two of their own just to get to her?” She shook her head violently. “I couldn’t do that.” She gritted her teeth. “Oh, but the mages, the _mages._ So many of them gave in to blood magic. Luke barely survived that day thanks to them. I cut down so many abominations to get to him after the templars had given him up for dead. I was not going to lose another brother that day. I spent the next month nursing him back to health, without lyrium, and when he woke up, I had to tell him three of our siblings were dead.” She stopped walking and leaned her elbows against the battlements. “So, you see, I didn’t really have any love for either side of the war, because thanks to it, my brother and sisters were dead, and another nearly so. And then the Breach, and…”

“Luke,” Cullen realized softly.

“Luke,” Halla agreed. “He was there as a templar, but he invited me along as his attaché. He knew I was neutral. He thought maybe my story could make the mages and the templars see reason, as much as either of them could. I was terrified.” She chuckled. “Give me a knife and a cause, and I’ll be happy to fight and die for it, but put me in front of a room full of people and tell me to talk, and I just can’t do it.” She shot Cullen a smile. “One of the reasons I admire you so much. You make it look easy.”

Cullen smiled back. “Sometimes, it is easy. Not with you, though.”

Halla raised her eyebrows, and Cullen realized what he’d said. Halla had never seen someone turn so red so fast. She laughed, but as she remembered what she’d been talking about, her smile dropped again. “At the conclave…we didn’t know what was happening. We heard—felt—an explosion, and everything went wrong. The mages blamed the templars, the templars blamed the mages, and I thought war was going to break out then and there. The Knight-Commander ordered all his men to line up. Luke…Luke disobeyed. He stayed with me.” She rubbed at her eye for a moment. “The commander threatened to withhold his lyrium for insubordination. Luke argued. ‘Can’t you see she’s panicking? Can’t you see what this is doing? You’re going to destroy everything we came here for!’ Looking back, I think—I think I felt the Fade. I think that’s why I was so scared. And Luke…stayed by me. Argued for me. Stood up to his commander for me. He knew how hard it was to go without lyrium—for a long time during that month after the rebellion, I was scared he’d die from the withdrawal—but for the last moments of his life…he fought the lyrium. For me.”

Halla shook her head. “I’m rambling again. What I mean is, I’ve seen how hard it can be to stay off lyrium after so long taking it, but Luke did something like it…and I believe you can do this.” She stood up again, facing Cullen. “I think you can do this, Cullen. And I’m with you every step of the way. I just…wanted you to know that. And I wanted you to know that I’m dedicated to the Inquisition. If anything can end the war that’s killed four of my brothers and sisters, the Inquisition can, and I’ll do anything it needs me to, Commander.”

“I know you will,” Cullen assured her.

Halla’s lips curved in a small smile, and she stepped toward him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Off the record…”

Cullen chuckled and leaned in for another kiss. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello trauma my old friend i've come to talk about you again


End file.
